Clinging to the past
by hjemmelavet
Summary: Caution: Light Slash. Jack clings to the past that doesn’t let him chose. An old friend made him realize he has to take the opportunity to change his life – into a life with Daniel.


Today was the day. Jack would finally have the time to put away some of the old stuff that was spread around his entirely household, careful packed in some boxes and packing cases. Old stuff of his military career, rags from his time with Sara and some other stuff he resolved to dispose long time ago.

Now Jack had finally found the time to stay at home and tidy up. No, that was a lie. He has had the time any day he wanted – after all he was a General by now. But Jack had suffered from missing enthusiasm. His youthful enthusiasm had vanished decades ago and all that was left behind was the inducement to get his house clean, tidy and well-sorted one time.

But today he had awakened with the knowledge of a whole day downtime and nothing to do aside from the long ago needful task.

So he had gotten up, had breakfast and some cups of coffee - yes, he was definitely hanging out to much with Daniel – and had gotten showered and dressed within an hour.

Jack had started with the trash of the kitchen. Then he had waded through the undone paperwork and the loose papers which had been scattered around the entire study.

After two hours hidden under paper piles, Jack could finally manage to eliminate the study out of his mental to-do-list. With a deep sigh he rose from the seat and made his way to the kitchen. Caffeine was needed.

Again Jack couldn't but notice the effect a special Linguist and Archaeologist had on him. _Jep_, he definitely had spent too much time with Daniel. But when he came to think of it, it wasn't nearly as long as he would like to.

The last months had been tough. Work, work, and - lo and behold - work.

But to be honest the last few weeks, maybe even months Jack hadn't spent all the time with Daniel he had been able to. Why? He didn't exactly know himself.

There had been this nameless feeling anytime Jack had been around Daniel. First he had tried to ignore it, but later it had grown into quiet a disturbing feeling of indisposition in his friend's nearness, that made it easier to withdraw an appointment than dealing with his feelings.

Since when this had been about his feelings, Jack wasn't sure. But he was sure as hell he had to change his present situation, had to deal with his feelings. _Damn._ He never liked anything like this. If he had a choice he preferred the tiding.

And he had a choice. At least for now. So he had started with his self-imposed task.

While Jack's thoughts tossed back and forth, he had managed to fill up his caffeine level. He was ready to get the bedroom closet tidied up. No sooner said than done he made his way to the bedroom, armed with a big plastic bag. After fluffing the sheets he opened the closet and pushed the clothes side wards, until he was able to get the two packing cases out of the piece of furniture.

The first thing he saw, when he opened the first case, was an Air Force t-shirt. Just like the ones he kept in his closet. But the size wasn't matching with his body any longer, so he plugged it into the get-rid-of-it-bag. Just in this way some t-shirts and other old, long unused clothes find their way to the plastic bag, too.

Different memories of years of military training, hard work in the dirt -like he used to call it- and secret missions flushed through him. Hard work, sweat, exhaustion, success, sacrifices, hate and death. The memories were mostly dark, but the remembrance of the sacrifices he had made over the years overshadowed everything else. So many chances had past him by, so many opportunities to get rid of his military life, so many other ways his life could be like today – all of them untaken. There was uncertainness in Jack, the question if any of these other lifestyles would have changed something about his momentary situation. Jack started to have regrets.

With every memorabilia he took out of the packing chase, his thoughts became darker and darker. The swirl of remembrance and regrets captivated him more with every item. A medal for a tough mission, the first recruiting-letter he had gotten, the piece of graven wood his team mate had once given to him. Every item increased his regrets.

While pulling the last item out of the box, Jack's hands began to shake lightly and his body made a wince. Mike's letter. First Sergeant Mike Hunter's letter. Presumably the last letter, Mike had ever written.

Jack's heart skipped a beat by the remembrance of his old academy buddy. They had been the best friends for their first six years in the Air Force. Mike had always been close to him, right from the start. With him Jack had laughed more than he could image he had done with anyone else. Mike's great humour always made him smile, even in combat situations or in pain. A slightly smile appeared on Jacks lips while he remembered his friends face – always with a smile.

He had been a tough cookie. But after their first six years in the same unit, Mike had been transferred to another unit, the duo was separated. But the sadness of the separation didn't last long. Already two weeks after his departure, Mike had called Jack and told him he was in love with the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Jack's joy for his buddy had overshadowed the transfer.

The years had been passing by. One year after another. And when Jack had met Mike the first time again, nearly six years had gone by. But he was shocked at the sight of his friend. His eyes had lost almost all of the brilliance, Jack had admired so much. His face had already deep crinkles, the smile was gone and he seemed to have lost all happiness in life.

At the issue of this, Jack had only got a simple answer. _Carry is married._ Carry was the girl he had fallen in love with. So Mike had lost the love of his life, of course that wasn't good, but Jack hadn't seen the point. _You'll get over it, you'll find another girl_, had been his answer. Later he had to discover that this had been the stupidest thing he could have said to Mike that time.

Jack carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. It was decades ago that he had held the piece of paper in his hands.

"_Weep not for the memories, Jack. Don't you dare doing so. I cost me some of my best years. Don't make this mistake, too._

_I regret it every second of my life and now I'm stuck between my memories and my not a hell of a lot liveable life. Today there's only the Force and, when I come home, an empty house and my friend named Jack Daniels. _

_You're my friend, Jack. Although we haven't met in years, I still consider you my best friend. There aren't much of them, you know. From year to year there are less. Sad, I know. But I haven't got the time to meet anyone. Just work, every day, every weekend, more nights than I can count – sometimes I spent a whole week at base._

_Don't live such a life, Jack. Take this advice from your old buddy. Enjoy life, take every chance you can get, don't let your life pass you by the way I did._

_Sometimes it tears me apart on the inside and I wanna scream, but then – there's no one here to hear me._

_Don't cling to a past that doesn't let you chose. Whenever you see a chance, take it. Whenever you wanna change something in your life, don't hesitate. You'd regret it in the end._

_Do that for me, buddy?_

_I really hope so; there must be some reason for me to stand my situation. This couldn't happen without a cause. Have a good life, Jack._

_Take care._

_Mike."_

Without even noticing it, Jack was mentally embracing himself. He trembled from a sudden shiver. Mike. Mick had written this letter to his best friend decades ago. And only five days later, he had signed in for a no-return-mission. He had died from seven bullets in his stomach. His best friend had freely committed suicide and Jack had only spilt some tears at the funeral. At the same evening he had gotten wracked in a dinky bar. Too much was the knowledge to be the last person Mike had told anything about his problems. He should've noticed something. Should've been there for his friend.

But he hadn't been. Anger made the way up his throat again, Jack wanted to scream, and he still hated himself for what he'd done, or better, hadn't done.

But there was no way he could change that. Never had been. Just as Mike had said, _don't cling to a past that doesn't let you chose_. But exactly that he had done over years. Regretting the things he couldn't change, the mistakes he'd made over all the years in his military career. Mistakes in combat situations, but also mistakes in his private life – when you like to call it so. Every day he had awakened with the same regrets. Year after year.

And then there had been Sara. She had taken all the sorrow, all the regrets and dark memories from him. And it had been a good life. Until the day Charlie died.

Jack was able to say this sentence without hesitation by now. Over the years he had learned it. But the time after his son's death had been full of regrets and reproaches again. Mostly against himself.

And what had he done? Instead of taking the advice of his long deceased friend and looking forward to a future, he had clinged to the past and had lived within memories of his son and the good life they've had. Jack had only lived between sorrow and memories.

All the opportunities had gone by; he had missed all the chances to get the wedlock with Sara right again and finally he had ended up alone, with a weapon in his hand, ready to pull the trigger in order to get past the present. Just like his buddy had done, because he hadn't seen a way out.

Clenching his fists in anger he finally put the letter aside. He was such an idiot. _Damn, Jack O'Neill, you should've known better._

But he had made exactly the same mistake. He had signed in for a suicide mission. Had been ready to die, in order to see Charlie again and to get past the pain of life.

And whom did he owned his life? _Jep, right_. Doctor Daniel Jackson. Archaeologist. Linguist. User of 23 languages. Orphan. Explorer. Bullhead. Persuader. And since long years his best friend.

Jack couldn't image a life without Daniel. Without his best friend. His life-saver. His comfort and hold in the tough times of the life at the SGC.

But the crux of the matter was: _He felt more for his best friend_. With calm satisfaction he had finally spoken it out loud, even if it was just in his thoughts. Jack managed to calm down a bit.

He felt more than friendship for Daniel, more than the need of comfort in a game of chess. More than the slightly touch of two hands while handing Daniel a beer or a glass of wine. He needed so much more, and exactly that scared him. Truth be told, that scared the hell out of him.

He shouldn't have these feelings for another man. Especially not Daniel, who had been there for him the whole time. He just couldn't. If it was just the need of sexual release Jack hadn't been in such a trouble. Anyhow he had found a way to get release. Anonymous. Hidden behind the walls. No one would have ever guessed.

But with Daniel it was an entirely other thing to handle. _No, not to handle_. Despite the wish of Jack, this wasn't a military operation he could plan with every little detail. This was life. And even scarier: Love.

_Damn. You got to do something_. But Jack O'Neill, for once, hadn't any idea what to do about it.

***

Jack watched the members of the Atlantis expedition leave trough the gate. One after another. Stepping into another world. Another galaxy. Another life. And he was still there; watching the chance go by, let the opportunity slip through his open hands. And worse, he refused Daniel to take this opportunity, too.

"Jack, it's not too late for me to…" Daniel's voice sounded helpless. He knew Jack wouldn't let him go.

"No." Was the determined answer.

"I-I-I could just grab my…"

"No."

"…kit."

Daniel had long ago learned to accept the defeat against Jack's will. Once spoken, a decision of Jack was determined. He couldn't do anything about that. Atlantis wasn't his place to go. He could understand his friend, but internal he felt deep anger and frustration.

Jack caught a short glimpse of his friend. He looked disappointed, frustrated. But he knew Daniel, knew that this wouldn't chance something about their friendship. At first it might be hard for his friend, but sooner or later he would be able to understand and accept his decision.

His thoughts tossed back to the Antarctica station, where Weir had asked him to persuade Major John Sheppard to join the team.

He had misunderstood her and had assumed she would have asked for Daniel. His answer had been, _Sorry, Doc. I need Daniel here. _

And that exactly was the point. He needed Daniel. Needed him so badly. Maybe even more than he had after their first mission. He needed him to live, to be in his vicinity. To be near. His friendship was all that got him through the stress as the General of the base.

Resting an arm on Daniel's shoulder for a short moment, Jack left the room. He wandered towards his office, in order to get hold of himself. When all he really wanted was to get hold of someone else. _Damn, you, you old, horny bastard_.

***

Hours, days, weeks past by. Jack had been able to enjoy Daniel's presence again.

There had been some evenings at bars, just some comforting drinks and his friend. The casual talks, the laughter of his friend, his eyes shimmering in the dim light of the pub. He had really enjoyed it.

Then the rides in his truck to Daniel's apartment, holding Daniel until he was lying on the bed, dizzy from the wine. More than once Jack would have loved to lie down beside his friend, stroking the brown hair, mumbling soft words into his ear. But every time he had enough willpower to suppress this desire.

These feelings still scared the hell out of Jack, but by and by he learned to accept the turning of his maw when he was about to leave Daniel for the night, the week or even longer. He had learned to ignore the twitch in his stomach when Daniel gave him one of his 5000-watt-smiles. Even if he felt weirder after any time he tried to ignore it, he didn't see any chance to change these feelings, and he was definitely not ready to act on them. Although a little voice in his head kept reminding him at Mike's words, _don't cling to the past, take any chance you get, change your life._

***

Three days after the last appointment with Daniel - and the rest of the team - Jack heard a knock at his door. He glanced at his watch. Nearly ten. Who could be bothering him now?

His temper wasn't the best this day, again he had felt extremely stupid by observing Daniel during the day. Noticing his caution handling worthy artefacts, the smile when he got a translation right. All those little things, which had been there all the time, but only now Jack was able to notice them.

With a sign he rose from his armchair, letting the remote control fall into the pillows, leaving his TV with the taped hockey game behind.

"Coming."

Seconds later his face froze for a moment, before he could find back to his normal self and managed a smile.

"Hi Daniel."

"Hey. I thought I come by. Sam has the latest report for you and I still have your jacket from the last team night."

Of course Daniel had been able to give it back the next day, and that applied for Carter, too. Jack wondered why his friend had come around by himself. Why he had chosen to spent the evening with him – said was obvious, because Daniel was waving around with a bottle of wine and a six pack.

"Come on in." Jack left the corridor and went into the kitchen in order to get Daniel a glass.

"Make yourself comfortable."

After some row in his cupboards, Jack entered the living room, finding Daniel comfortable resting in his armchair, zapping through the channels. _Okay, no hockey for today_, Jack thought. He could live with that.

He sat down on the near by couch and started to pour the wine into the glass for Daniel and to open a bottle of beer for himself.

In the meantime Daniel had stopped at one of those stupid game channels, where an only lightly dressed, well-proportioned woman tried to achieve some calls for the solutions in demand.

Seeing Daniel cocking his head in order to find the hidden object in the shown picture made him smile. But the look of his tongue, piercing out of the lips of his friend in concentration gave him another bad desire and a treacherous twitch of interest from his greedy little bastard downstairs. _Fuck, don't you dare to act on this one, buddy. _

An erection while watching his best friend solving a quiz, that wasn't exactly the way he liked to spent the evening. There were certain ways his subconscious mind would like to spend the evening, despite of all the moral stoppages Jack had. But he was not willingly to let his subconscious mind win – yet.

"Your wine."

"Thanks."

They both took some drafts of their drinks. Silence overshadowed the room, until Daniel finally found the solution to the tv-riddle.

"Houseboat."

"Heh?"

"The quiz. The word in demand is houseboat. Do you see it? There, down to the right."

Jack nodded, although his eyes were too tied to make a difference from the background.

Daniel zapped through the programs, until he found a documentation about some Inca temples. _Great, Daniel would take it like a duck to water._

Daniel watched the documentation with ecstasy, more in excitement about the mistakes the wrights had made, than about the actual story. Jack was sure he knew the story, the history quiet well. Much more than the producer of the program. But exactly that was the fun, watching Daniel's outrage about some misinterpreted hints, mistakes and mistranslations.

"They can't be serious!"

"Dare I ask why?"

"Presumably not, but I'll tell you nevertheless.", Daniel grinned "The Inca called their culture 'tawantinsuyu' and it means 'the four regions', not 'the united areas'. How can a whole tv-team make such a dumb mistake?"

"Maybe oversight?"

"Pah!"

This discussion wouldn't find an end, so Jack decided to pour in some more wine instead of arguing with Daniel about a topic he had no idea of.

"Here."

"'Kay. Thanks, Jack."

Their hands brushed against each other's for a short moment. Jack enjoyed the twinge in his lower body parts, but Daniel didn't seem to notice and took a large gulp, eyes back on the TV.

The evening past by, the talked about the Inca, other cultures, the team nights, the weather, hockey and some other unimportant stuff. When the topic came to work, Daniel seemed to be a little bit unassertive.

Jack decided to leave this topic alone.

"Why, Jack?" came the sudden question.

_Damn, too late._ Maybe playing dumb would have an effect on Daniel.

"Why what?"

"You know damn well what I mean. Atlantis. Why didn't you let me go?"

"Earth needs you, Daniel."

"That isn't the real reason, we both know that no one is irreplaceable. There would be others doing my job, Jack. I could be needed on Atlantis, too. I've done so much work. Years…"

"I know."

"Then why?"

Jack couldn't but stay silent. He knew the answer. He did since weeks. But he was still not willingly to speak it out loud, he had too much to loose. His friendship. Daniel.

The time passed and Daniel waited for an answer.

"This isn't about Atlantis." It was a statement, not a question. But Daniel was right.

"No."

"Then what, Jack? Tell me, because I don't know if I am willingly to let you off the hook. It hurts, you know?"

"I'm sorry." Jack lowered his glance to the floor, his eyes peering around as if to find the answer written on the carpet.

"What for?"

"For not letting you go. For taking this chance from you. You earned to get a chance of a new life."

"Maybe I do. But why exactly didn't you let me go. Because of the team?"

"I just couldn't, Daniel." His eyes were still on the carpet. "I couldn't see you walk away. We don't know if the team will survive, if the mission is successful."

"You could see the others walk away."

"That's different. They… they aren't my friends. They… aren't part of my life."

"That's selfish, and you know it."

Daniel swallowed. He hadn't planned to sound that hard. After all he could understand Jack. He couldn't see him walk away either.

"Yes, it is.", Jack had to admit. He had no idea how he was supposed to make himself clear, understandable without revealing his secret. Whatever he said, Daniel wouldn't get it right. And if he gave him a hint, Daniel – as a linguist and clever man - would see through him on an instant. Both ways weren't an option. And silence wasn't going to satisfy Daniel either.

"Why ever you didn't let me go to Atlantis, you wouldn't let me go elsewhere, too. Wouldn't you?"

Jack shook his head lightly. Possibly not. In Daniel's eyes he could see the irritation. The archaeologist didn't seem to know what he should think of Jack at the moment. Jack could practically see his brain working. If he was lucky, he wouldn't notice and interpret his changed attitude of the last weeks. But this was Daniel, how low would be the chance he didn't?

"You're thinking of us as more as friends, don't you Jack?"

_Shit, Daniel hit the bull's-eye with one shot. Damn. _

"I don't know, whether I…"

A wave of affection hit him by surprise. It was there. This unnameable feeling he had felt weeks ago for the first time in years. Affection. More than simple sympathy for his friend. But the urging desire to burry his head in his friends arms, soak the scent of Daniel up and keep it in his heart forever. _Shit, shit, shit, you're so about to loose it._

"Daniel, I…"

"It's okay, Jack. Feelings are okay. You're allowed to feel something."

"No, I am not."

"The Air Force."

A silent nod.

"Are you trying to persuade me you never broken any rules, Jack? Because if you do so, that's pathetic. We both know you."

"So?"

"So?"

"Well, you're the brain of this outfit. What do we do about this?"

Daniel took a deep breath. There was only one chance. He had waited this long for this chance. Since long he had tried to accept that Jack would never act on his feelings, even if he admitted them. Believed devoutly that Jack was as straight as a man could be. But the last few weeks had changed that. He had recognized the way Jack had looked at him, had observed him when he was sure nobody would notice. Daniel knew why Jack had winced every time they touched by blunder. How much he had enjoyed that. Because these moments were exactly the moments Daniel waited for himself. After a short time of disbelief and the believe to misinterpret the signs, Daniel was persuaded of the thought that Jack might be feeling the way he felt. And there was only one chance.

"Are you willing to act on your feelings, Jack?"

Jack nearly had to choke on his beer. He had expected to affront Daniel with his confession, but now he got replied feelings? That was nearly too good to be true.

"I am, uh…uncert…Daniel, I…I can't…I would…" Never had a simple 'yes' been so complicated.

But Daniel already seized the chance and asked with great puppy dog eyes. "Bear with me for a while?"

"Only if you stop these dump persuading methods. Will you, Doctor Jackson?"

Just a second later he could feel Daniel's lips on his, bashing him into the kiss as if it decides about live and die. And maybe it did.

"Mhm-mm."

The cryptic answer was all he got. Jack could definitely live with that.


End file.
